Don't wish for it, work for it

So, it's been a bit.  Since I've written, and since I've started the journey.  I must admit, I have had a few rough rough days, and some GREAT days.  I have no clue where I'm at in my journey.  I don't wanna weigh myself.  What if I haven't lost any weight?  I'm waiting till I feel better, till I can stand looking at myself again.

I started my run clinic last night for my half marathon.  I started in the slowest group, but it's faster than not doing it..... I'm not going to lie, I AM SCARED SHITLESS about all this running, and running 21.1kms.  It's long and far, and hard (get your minds out of the gutter) and it scares me.  I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of being to slow, I'm scared of lots of things associated with running.  Most of all, just scared of failing :(

I'm not wishing for it, I am WORKING for it, but ti doesn't make it any less scary..... My body HATES me right now, it's so sore, and sore in places I didn't know it could be sore.  I feel like all I do is drown myself with water, like you could wring me out and there'd be a puddle of lemon water, LOL.  

Yes, I am getting discouraged, BUT it didn't take 2 months to put the weight on so I can't expect it to come off in 2 months.  I just don't know the right exercises for what I need, and a trainer is so fucking expensive, and do they REALLY give you the results you're looking for?  Who knows..... I guess I won't lol.

I am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have.  Guess I need to do some homework on what I need to do.

Ugh, I'm so blah today!!!!! I need to get my head back in the game.  My heart is there, but my head isn't.  How do I get both?  

I just gotta keep climbing until one catches up with the other I guess..... Maybe it's just an off day, or maybe my head just isn't there, either way I CAN'T give up, cuz then my fear of failing will be REAL..... And I refuse to fail, I refuse to sink.....

I've have to just put one foot in front of the other, and just go one kilometer at a time, and push on.  The ONLY thing standing in my way right now is ME!!!!!! Get your head out of your ass Tabitha, and get it in the game.  One kilometer at a time and you'll get there.  That's what I'm telling myself right this minute.  JUST ONE KILOMETER AT A TIME.....

Is sexy on the inside or outside?

So, It's been a month since I stated my journey.  Holy shit, a whole month.  I have had a bit of pop, a couple Taco Bell tacos (8 to be exact) and I am feeling GREAT.  DOn't get me wrong, I have good days and bad days.  Today, just so happens to be a good day.

I am working towards GREAT goals.  I am working towards my half marathon, and I am working towards a vacation in the fall to reward myself for being so good..... I have even bought a bikini in a SMALLER SIZE so I can keep in mind I've gotta fit into it.  I haven't had a bikini for years!!!!

I hope I feel as sexy in it as this chick looks..... and GOD DAMN does she look sexy as hell.  So I have to ask, is sexy on the outside or the inside?!?

I actually enjoy going to the gym.  I look forward to it.  I am intimidated by it, and the buff people that are there, but then I think some people might be looking at me saying the exact same thing. (here's to hoping anyway) I haven't weighed myself cuz I'm afraid too.  I know muscle weighs more than fat, but I am not sure how much fat I have lost.  I will weigh myself soon though, cuz I will need to know.

I look forward to eating healthy meals too.  EVEN vegetables!!!!!! Veggies within REASON that is.  I am drinking water, but not yet as much as I should.  It's hard.  I work in a mall with NO BATHROOM in my store.  So peeing 50 times a day doesn't work at work since the closest bathroom is like a 15 minute trip round trip.

I have been tanning and keeping up with skin nutrition too, so I feel awesome in that regard.  The better I feel on the outside with the little things, the big things will come.....

I start my half marathon run clinic on Valentine's Day, and I'm excited and scared.  I'm excited to meet new people, to lose the weight, to work towards a goal, but scared I'm going to fail...... I don't want to fail, and I'm pretty sure I won't allow myself to fail either, but I'm still scared.  I wanna be fierce!!!!!

I have an 8K run for Valentine's Day, a 5K race for St. Patrick's Day, another 5K race a week after that, I'm hoping to be a running queen, or at least a jogging queen LMAO..... At least I'm getting out there and trying.  You NEVER know unless you TRY!!!!!!

All in all, I am happy where I'm at right now, but so damn excited to see where I'll end up, hopefully 2 sizes smaller in my bikini on a beach with a sexy ass man.....  One can only hope (on the man part that is)