Don't wish for it, work for it

So, it's been a bit.  Since I've written, and since I've started the journey.  I must admit, I have had a few rough rough days, and some GREAT days.  I have no clue where I'm at in my journey.  I don't wanna weigh myself.  What if I haven't lost any weight?  I'm waiting till I feel better, till I can stand looking at myself again.

I started my run clinic last night for my half marathon.  I started in the slowest group, but it's faster than not doing it..... I'm not going to lie, I AM SCARED SHITLESS about all this running, and running 21.1kms.  It's long and far, and hard (get your minds out of the gutter) and it scares me.  I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of being to slow, I'm scared of lots of things associated with running.  Most of all, just scared of failing :(

I'm not wishing for it, I am WORKING for it, but ti doesn't make it any less scary..... My body HATES me right now, it's so sore, and sore in places I didn't know it could be sore.  I feel like all I do is drown myself with water, like you could wring me out and there'd be a puddle of lemon water, LOL.  

Yes, I am getting discouraged, BUT it didn't take 2 months to put the weight on so I can't expect it to come off in 2 months.  I just don't know the right exercises for what I need, and a trainer is so fucking expensive, and do they REALLY give you the results you're looking for?  Who knows..... I guess I won't lol.

I am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have.  Guess I need to do some homework on what I need to do.

Ugh, I'm so blah today!!!!! I need to get my head back in the game.  My heart is there, but my head isn't.  How do I get both?  

I just gotta keep climbing until one catches up with the other I guess..... Maybe it's just an off day, or maybe my head just isn't there, either way I CAN'T give up, cuz then my fear of failing will be REAL..... And I refuse to fail, I refuse to sink.....

I've have to just put one foot in front of the other, and just go one kilometer at a time, and push on.  The ONLY thing standing in my way right now is ME!!!!!! Get your head out of your ass Tabitha, and get it in the game.  One kilometer at a time and you'll get there.  That's what I'm telling myself right this minute.  JUST ONE KILOMETER AT A TIME.....